It's your world, I'm just living in it...

I joke around with the [title] phrase when someone is running late (or worse, making me run late!) Obviously the world doesn't revolve around my friends, so it's kind of funny to remind them. 

Obviously.

At the end of the day, though, I'm not really sure if the way I live my life reflects the truth that the whole world doesn't belong to me. Maybe you can relate. 

We live in a chart your own adventure type of culture, where anything goes and everyone has the right (and expectation) to live for him/herself. 

Pinterest is littered with all sorts of feel-good quotes like this one:

Everything about this image screams, "Me, me, me!" We focus so much on choosing a career, choosing how we spend our free time, how we dress, relate to others, and just about everything else. Pretty much everything in our society warrants the freedom of choice. Speaking of which...

That's a buzz-word lately, as well.

::eye roll::

So really, it's not that far off if I were to walk up to you and say, "It's my world, you're just living in it!"

Everything I know to be true is subject to my experiences. So, subjectively, the world I am in -- my world -- is all about me, what I want, what I can get, "what I will make of myself," etc.

But that's not what the bible teaches.

This isn't our world. Living with free will isn't a right, it's a gift from God to live out His purpose and plan. So, at the end of the day, it doesn't matter what my choices are. God calls me to choose to submit to His will.

Contrary to popular belief, we don't get to choose our destinies. God does. We don't get to make lists, schedules and 5-year plans. God does. Our designs and plans don't mean anything because we really have no control over the future. God calls us foolish for broadcasting our plans without including Him in the equation. James 4:13-16 says, 

"Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit”— yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.” As it is, you boast in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil."

We don't have authority over the plans that we make. We are just dust in the wind (which God created) for God's purposes. You know, here today and gone tomorrow. 

Over the past few months, as I'm applying to medical schools and graduate schools and such, I've realized that I really have no clue what the future holds for me. I've fallen into the habit of, when people ask me my future plans, saying, "Medical school, Lord willing." But I've come to realize that this statement is not only the truest answer I can give, it is also honoring to God. It's the way He commands me (and you) to respond. (See James 4:15) 

It gives credit where credit is due. Because, after all, it's His world, I'm just living in it. 

Identity crisis?

I supposed it's time for my due diligence -- an update. Today I am inspired by my friend Katie, who writes over at Katie and Caboodle. Go check out her blog!

Anyway, her post today involved an honest confession...definitely something I could relate to. It made me think about other areas of my life and my desires that maybe aren't so innocent. You know, how certain things are wonderful and good until your brain contorts them into something they shouldn't be? Something that is, dare I say it, sinful?

Well, I know that I have a wrongful tendency to do that. Let me give you an example:

I like making music! I love singing, playing piano and guitar, learning new instruments (just bought a violin!) and getting lost in the rhythm. I love pouring out my heart into musical poetry, sharing those intimate details of who I am in a song. It's cathartic, and ends up being a really special way to manifest who I am.

Ever since I've started selling the CD's though, I feel burdened by worry. What if nobody buys them? What if people don't like them? What if my plight in music is futile, and will fizzle out in just a few weeks? What if the songs don't appeal to the masses?

Suddenly my joy coming purely from music transformed to desire for recognition...hunger for approval from man. It's twisted, and I hate it!

This project never was about fame. Well, it was never about my fame. It started as a fundraising medium so that I would have the resources to go abroad and share the gospel and further God's fame. It was a leap of faith to trust God to provide (and indeed I trust!) I was somewhat nervous in certain regards, like whether I could actually do it (I did), whether the recording session would work out (it did) or whether the music would sound good (it does). But God hammered Philippians 4:6-7 into my heart, I ordered the CD's and was excited for their arrival (and totally at peace.)

When fundraising started, though, I had to be creative. Creativity = Vulnerability. For me, vulnerability = anxiety. What if my Facebook friends are irritated that I keep soliciting (page invites, event invites, updates for days)? What if, when I go door to door, people are irritated that I disturbed their evening? I even contacted a few radio stations and was turned down by one. I received some really constructive feedback and encouragement to "continue my pursuit of a career in music," etc. Now my "career in music is at stake?"

But guess what? I never set out to have a career in music! I never wanted to be famous, so why do I suddenly care if my musical style matches what is currently popular? I never wanted to be 'the cool kid. I don't care if people are annoyed by my Facebook posts, because they are directing people to Jesus! I don't care if people feel interrupted by my sales pitch in the evenings, because God could use that moment or the music to reveal himself...so it doesn't matter if their temporary irritation is directed at me. I don't have to take it personally.

Speaking of personal offense, God is very much offended when I let my heart fall towards anxiety instead of prayer, toward a desire for fame instead of satisfaction in humble obedience to God's call, or toward impressing others instead of sharing truth regardless of whether people receive it.

I guess my point is that it's so easy for me to focus on impressing other people, gaining recognition in the world, and sacrificing a quiet life for one of fortune and excitement. I'm ashamed that my heart began to yearn for that sort of recognition from others...and even more so because it's not new. Looking back on my life, there has been a deep desire to feel significant. I don't know why, either. I guess it's just part of my sinful nature. At the end of the day, I don't want to be known for making music. I want to be known as someone who lets God use her. I want to be known for being someone who speaks gently, loves hard, and submits wholly to the Lord. My identity is not in my hobbies, my school work, (lack of ) athleticism, career, degree physical beauty or even my character. My identity is in Christ, who, though I am still a sinner, loves me and died for me.

Day 1

Day 1 of the campaign was wildly successful. Eleven CD's were sold total, and I even met another recording engineer! That was very cool. Including pre-sales from people I personally know and from advertising, eighteen CD's have been purchased!

If I continue to sell this successfully, a week from today I will be sold out! If every CD is sold in this initial order, I will net $1200. If the sell in a week, I will definitely have reason to purchase another order, and this time a larger one!

I'm hoping that reading that was an encouragement. I know that writing it out was a huge encouragement even just to me. I started the post saying how successful the day was, but if I'm totally honest, last night I was feeling somewhat dejected after the first round of sales before I left for the second round. I had been turned down by a LOT of people, and for some reason I was expecting to open my email inbox to maybe twenty emails from online donations. Obviously that's not unrealistic, but these kinds of things take time, which excitements seems to have no tolerance for. But reading the numbers, day one WAS extraordinarily successful! I've already raised $224, sold 18 CD's and probably encouraged just as many people.  

I will continue to work on getting the CD's into coffee shops and on radio stations. A few days ago, I sent out CD's to WBGL and K-LOVE contacts. I've been in touch with the managers who referred me to the individuals who oversee the new music that gets played. So far the responses have been extremely encouraging, so I'm continuing to pray that fruit will come from that endeavor. I have yet to hear from any coffee shops so perhaps I will drive out to them tomorrow.

A few stories from the day:

House A) One lady initially turned me down, which wasn't unusual. I'd been turned down quite often. I left and was walking to the next house, and all of a sudden I heard, "Miss, how much are the CD's?" I turned around and she was at the end of her driveway beckoning to me. She bought a CD and we both went on our (merry) ways. It really made me smile.

House B) This man was very nice and shook my hand when I met him. I explained that I was a college student, selling original music for mission trips. He made a point of saying he wasn't "a believer" but he likes when people do good things. He gave me $20 but said he really wasn't interested in the CD. I thought that was really interesting. I'll definitely be praying for him. People like that always fascinate me, because they clearly have an awareness of the void in their lives and are compelled towards the sort of behavior that God calls us to, but are sort of trapped by their unwillingness to accept God's offer or learn more about him. I was definitely in that place once. I would almost liken the situation to someone who is literally stuck to a wall (like with tape or glue or something) but isn't really motivated to get off the wall. It's kind of sad, but definitely motivates prayer!

House C) This man literally said to me, "I'm sorry, I can't buy one. I don't have any money. She (I'm assuming his wife) won't give me any. She's working until midnight." That interaction was really shocking. It's a somber reminder of the really poor states that some people are in. People who live literally in my own neighborhood are completely broke, financially. People are experiencing marital problems. People endure losses and hardship: death of family members, devastating illnesses, maybe they are working multiple jobs or just lost theirs; maybe they are being bullied at school, struggling with a mental illness, maybe these homes and families are like mine was when I was growing up, shadowed by darkness without anybody knowing or able to help. This world is so broken! 

It's situations like House C that make me motivated to do the door to door solicitation. In retrospect, I really regret not just giving a CD to that man. Maybe he would have listened to it, really been intrigued, related to my story and then experienced the gospel of Christ. Maybe it would have impacted his life in a positive way. Darn it. Next time, right? And I can always go back.

But that's the thing. This project isn't just about raising money. It's about sharing God's word through music, which is something he has given me a lot of excitement about. (The evangelism AND the music.) When I think about this man, I think about the song Alone on my CD which describes a longing for someone else to surrender their struggles. There's hurt and hardship in this life, and sometimes we're hardly floating, but there is a way out - we don't have to do it alone. I SO wish that every single person knew that truth!

It really all comes down to having faith. (I got one of those cool MudLOVE bracelets at my church that says 'faith.' Good reminder...) It's not up to me to change people's hearts, but it IS up to me to choose to have faith that God will. The best part of that truth is that God actually can. It's so great to trust in a God who can move mountains with his breathe and spin the earth from day to night with his words. Praise be.

Love,

Alexandra