I supposed it's time for my due diligence -- an update. Today I am inspired by my friend Katie, who writes over at Katie and Caboodle. Go check out her blog!
Anyway, her post today involved an honest confession...definitely something I could relate to. It made me think about other areas of my life and my desires that maybe aren't so innocent. You know, how certain things are wonderful and good until your brain contorts them into something they shouldn't be? Something that is, dare I say it, sinful?
Well, I know that I have a wrongful tendency to do that. Let me give you an example:
I like making music! I love singing, playing piano and guitar, learning new instruments (just bought a violin!) and getting lost in the rhythm. I love pouring out my heart into musical poetry, sharing those intimate details of who I am in a song. It's cathartic, and ends up being a really special way to manifest who I am.
Ever since I've started selling the CD's though, I feel burdened by worry. What if nobody buys them? What if people don't like them? What if my plight in music is futile, and will fizzle out in just a few weeks? What if the songs don't appeal to the masses?
Suddenly my joy coming purely from music transformed to desire for recognition...hunger for approval from man. It's twisted, and I hate it!
This project never was about fame. Well, it was never about my fame. It started as a fundraising medium so that I would have the resources to go abroad and share the gospel and further God's fame. It was a leap of faith to trust God to provide (and indeed I trust!) I was somewhat nervous in certain regards, like whether I could actually do it (I did), whether the recording session would work out (it did) or whether the music would sound good (it does). But God hammered Philippians 4:6-7 into my heart, I ordered the CD's and was excited for their arrival (and totally at peace.)
When fundraising started, though, I had to be creative. Creativity = Vulnerability. For me, vulnerability = anxiety. What if my Facebook friends are irritated that I keep soliciting (page invites, event invites, updates for days)? What if, when I go door to door, people are irritated that I disturbed their evening? I even contacted a few radio stations and was turned down by one. I received some really constructive feedback and encouragement to "continue my pursuit of a career in music," etc. Now my "career in music is at stake?"
But guess what? I never set out to have a career in music! I never wanted to be famous, so why do I suddenly care if my musical style matches what is currently popular? I never wanted to be 'the cool kid. I don't care if people are annoyed by my Facebook posts, because they are directing people to Jesus! I don't care if people feel interrupted by my sales pitch in the evenings, because God could use that moment or the music to reveal himself...so it doesn't matter if their temporary irritation is directed at me. I don't have to take it personally.
Speaking of personal offense, God is very much offended when I let my heart fall towards anxiety instead of prayer, toward a desire for fame instead of satisfaction in humble obedience to God's call, or toward impressing others instead of sharing truth regardless of whether people receive it.
I guess my point is that it's so easy for me to focus on impressing other people, gaining recognition in the world, and sacrificing a quiet life for one of fortune and excitement. I'm ashamed that my heart began to yearn for that sort of recognition from others...and even more so because it's not new. Looking back on my life, there has been a deep desire to feel significant. I don't know why, either. I guess it's just part of my sinful nature. At the end of the day, I don't want to be known for making music. I want to be known as someone who lets God use her. I want to be known for being someone who speaks gently, loves hard, and submits wholly to the Lord. My identity is not in my hobbies, my school work, (lack of ) athleticism, career, degree physical beauty or even my character. My identity is in Christ, who, though I am still a sinner, loves me and died for me.
Anyway, her post today involved an honest confession...definitely something I could relate to. It made me think about other areas of my life and my desires that maybe aren't so innocent. You know, how certain things are wonderful and good until your brain contorts them into something they shouldn't be? Something that is, dare I say it, sinful?
Well, I know that I have a wrongful tendency to do that. Let me give you an example:
I like making music! I love singing, playing piano and guitar, learning new instruments (just bought a violin!) and getting lost in the rhythm. I love pouring out my heart into musical poetry, sharing those intimate details of who I am in a song. It's cathartic, and ends up being a really special way to manifest who I am.
Ever since I've started selling the CD's though, I feel burdened by worry. What if nobody buys them? What if people don't like them? What if my plight in music is futile, and will fizzle out in just a few weeks? What if the songs don't appeal to the masses?
Suddenly my joy coming purely from music transformed to desire for recognition...hunger for approval from man. It's twisted, and I hate it!
This project never was about fame. Well, it was never about my fame. It started as a fundraising medium so that I would have the resources to go abroad and share the gospel and further God's fame. It was a leap of faith to trust God to provide (and indeed I trust!) I was somewhat nervous in certain regards, like whether I could actually do it (I did), whether the recording session would work out (it did) or whether the music would sound good (it does). But God hammered Philippians 4:6-7 into my heart, I ordered the CD's and was excited for their arrival (and totally at peace.)
When fundraising started, though, I had to be creative. Creativity = Vulnerability. For me, vulnerability = anxiety. What if my Facebook friends are irritated that I keep soliciting (page invites, event invites, updates for days)? What if, when I go door to door, people are irritated that I disturbed their evening? I even contacted a few radio stations and was turned down by one. I received some really constructive feedback and encouragement to "continue my pursuit of a career in music," etc. Now my "career in music is at stake?"
But guess what? I never set out to have a career in music! I never wanted to be famous, so why do I suddenly care if my musical style matches what is currently popular? I never wanted to be 'the cool kid. I don't care if people are annoyed by my Facebook posts, because they are directing people to Jesus! I don't care if people feel interrupted by my sales pitch in the evenings, because God could use that moment or the music to reveal himself...so it doesn't matter if their temporary irritation is directed at me. I don't have to take it personally.
Speaking of personal offense, God is very much offended when I let my heart fall towards anxiety instead of prayer, toward a desire for fame instead of satisfaction in humble obedience to God's call, or toward impressing others instead of sharing truth regardless of whether people receive it.
I guess my point is that it's so easy for me to focus on impressing other people, gaining recognition in the world, and sacrificing a quiet life for one of fortune and excitement. I'm ashamed that my heart began to yearn for that sort of recognition from others...and even more so because it's not new. Looking back on my life, there has been a deep desire to feel significant. I don't know why, either. I guess it's just part of my sinful nature. At the end of the day, I don't want to be known for making music. I want to be known as someone who lets God use her. I want to be known for being someone who speaks gently, loves hard, and submits wholly to the Lord. My identity is not in my hobbies, my school work, (lack of ) athleticism, career, degree physical beauty or even my character. My identity is in Christ, who, though I am still a sinner, loves me and died for me.
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