Fear, Fate and Our Father

I woke up today with this poster looking back at me from across the room:

In reality, I wake up to this poster every morning, but today the words really struck me.

There are so many unknowns in my future right now, and it's so tempting to step aside from what I know to be true about God in favor of hiding under my blankets like a scared child. You see, I don't know what I'll be doing next year. Come to think of it, I don't know what I'll be doing next summer, next semester, or even next week. I'm in that limbo between trusting God and panicking about my life, and I'm definitely toeing the line of the latter. 

That topic makes me recall a little bit about that CD that I have, and my whole music project endeavor. The lyrics to the namesake song read:

"I'm not falling, I'm not falling, 'cause even the rain stops sometimes. Still deciding, redefining, I know that there's more to this life of mine...this life on the line"

It's such a good reminder -- and even though I was in a very different mindset when I wrote that song than I am currently, the words are just as applicable. Facing a wide-open future, it feels like I'm at the edge of a cliff: I was following along the path, happy as a clam, and then all of a sudden it ended at a 500-foot drop. What I thought were the plans God had for my life maybe aren't? But that doesn't mean I'm falling, maybe it means I've been given an opportunity to stop and enjoy the view. I could panic about the fact that there's a sharp valley before me, or I could admire it's beauty.

That of course doesn't mean that there isn't a place for the pain I'm feeling, though. God is continually shaping and refining me to one day become the person He created me to be. I will never become that person by myself -- my sinful nature is like a step backward for every stride I make towards Christ's likeness. The pastor at my church discussed last week how struggle and suffering is one of the primary tools God uses to shape us, and for that hope we are to rejoice. 

Romans 5:3-5 reads, "3 Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4 and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5 and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."

It sounds so backwards to rejoice in my current state of despair (I use that word lightly.) But what's really backwards is the fact that I feel hopeless at all. God is my reason for hope, and when I let his truth infiltrate every ounce of my being, soaking up His words like a dry sponge, joy and peace become the only logical state to be in. Why am I letting my fears determine my fate, when the course of my life was determined before the creation of the earth?

Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name.

A Peace That Transcends All Understanding

Sometimes, I have to admit, the promised peaceful life that is bestowed upon believers is not true of me -- especially with regards to the everyday, little inconveniences that should be brushed off. 

This past Friday, someone bumped my car while it was parked in the lot. It actually was the best case situation: the offending individual left a note and phone number, and nobody was hurt. I called the police, filed a claim, my car is getting repaired, all is well. As far as car accidents go, it was about as smooth as they come. Except, not really.

Yes, I was patient and optimistic all through Friday. I made the phone calls I needed to make, I carried on, etc. etc. But things changed today when I went to go drop off my car for repair. The inconveniences piled up, and by noon I was raging about the fact that: 1) I had to wake up an hour earlier. 2) I had to spend my precious gas to drive across the river to one of the "approved" repair shops. 3) I was not first in line and thus had to wait, making me 10 minutes late for work. 4) I had to get a rental, which is a lesser quality, older car with fewer features than my precious, brand-spanking new 2016 Hyundai Elantra. 5) I had to purchase outside insurance for the rental car, which I wouldn't have needed had my own car been intact. 6) I actually didn't need to purchase the outside insurance, but the insurance companies didn't open until after I was at the dealer. 7) Now I have to go all the way back there, using more gas, to prove that I haven't damaged the rental car in the past 2 hours its been in my possession in order to waive the insurance policy. 

Sigh.

Doesn't that just make me sound like a spoiled, rotten, brat? What's even worse is that it felt so darn good to pound out my frustrations in raging text evidence of how I have been wronged. 

Yes, I'm the victim, right? Poor me - I have a beautiful car to drive; I live among honest community members who leave notes instead of anonymous dents and scratches; insurance policies are available that cover the costs associated with the damage to my car; I have a free rental car while my car is being fixed without cost to me; I don't actually have to pay to insure the rental car. 

After nearly losing my cool on the phone when talking to the rental company (again), I heard a faint whisper about peace - that transcends all understanding and guards hearts and minds in Christ (Philippians 4:7). I responded, "Yeah, where's my peace?" The classic, indignant response of an ungrateful child who feels that the world owes her something. But slowly, the rest of that passage emerged from the deep place it was hidden away in my heart - the preceding verse: Philippians 4:6 - "Do not be anxious about anything, but in all things, through prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." The first step? It's on me - don't be anxious. Pray. Be thankful. Next? Philippians 4:8 - "Finally, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is lovely, what ever is good, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things. The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me practice these things and the God of peace will be with you."

Wow. That's rough truth, without the rainbows, butterflies, unicorns and candy that I wished were present. No - for patience and peace, I have responsibility. That responsibility, then, is to follow along the path that God has instructed me: to focus on what is good, righteous and true. Pray. Give thanks for my blessings, not my burdens. Then and ONLY THEN, do I receive that peaceful presence of God. 

That, my friends, is conviction. I am guilty before God not because of my behavior, but because of the condition of my heart. 

Political Correctness

The past couple weeks, a group has been coming to my university campus to preach, but their method of doing so is much different than what I'm accustomed to: in your face, flushed shouting, repent-of-your-sins, look-at-my-sign kind of preaching.

 

The first time I saw them last week, I brushed them off, kind of gritted my teeth and tried to pretend that I wasn't embarrassed. The second time, I approached one of them (the one sitting quietly in the corner) and asked them if they actually thought that what they were doing was effective. (I was noticing more folks getting offended than convicted...)

Today, I went right up to them and started talking. The thing is, I agree with what they're saying. They are preaching truth, from the bible, God-breathed words. I felt very uneasy from the first day that I saw them preaching because I am a people-pleaser, and I didn't think it was very kind to yell at folks.

This is more along the lines of what I'm accustomed to: playing music, engaging people, sharing the good news and God's grace. But just as shouting about hell fire is only half of the gospel, grace is only half. Both topics are one half of a whole truth that people need to hear. 

So today I perched myself by the engineering fountain and started up a conversation with a man in a plaid shirt and suspenders about what they were doing, the effectiveness of evangelism, and fear of God vs grace of God preaching. As someone who takes special care to be politically correct, I had a lot of questions for folks whose whole ministry is based on violating social norms.

Things I learned:

• Their goal was to make a scene. They weren't being 100% serious. Yes, they fully believed the truth behind their words, but they were trying to be satirical, trying to be something that stuck out in people's memories, trying to make a scene for the sake of it. They wanted people to remember "those religious nuts" because deep down, people have an awareness of their sin. When the time comes, maybe they will turn to God.
• Grace is important, once we realize we need it - people who think they have a problem or don't think they have a penalty to pay don't understand how important it is when someone else pays that penalty.
• Grace is important - from my own experience, I've learned that many people actually are aware of their need. Being real with people about the consequences of unconfessed sin is important, once they realize that accepting Jesus is worth it because of his Grace. When people first come to Jesus, it's because they need something.
• A christian is a christian - I have friends who were really offended by these preachers, but at the end of the day, there need not be division. We are united by Christ, and that is reason enough to befriend each other. Disagreeing about evangelism techniques is not enough to fight with one another. 

We live in a world where in a class discussion about how to make friends after college, nobody suggests a local church. We dwell among a fallen people who need Jesus. However you choose to do so, open your mouth.

It's your world, I'm just living in it...

I joke around with the [title] phrase when someone is running late (or worse, making me run late!) Obviously the world doesn't revolve around my friends, so it's kind of funny to remind them. 

Obviously.

At the end of the day, though, I'm not really sure if the way I live my life reflects the truth that the whole world doesn't belong to me. Maybe you can relate. 

We live in a chart your own adventure type of culture, where anything goes and everyone has the right (and expectation) to live for him/herself. 

Pinterest is littered with all sorts of feel-good quotes like this one:

Everything about this image screams, "Me, me, me!" We focus so much on choosing a career, choosing how we spend our free time, how we dress, relate to others, and just about everything else. Pretty much everything in our society warrants the freedom of choice. Speaking of which...

That's a buzz-word lately, as well.

::eye roll::

So really, it's not that far off if I were to walk up to you and say, "It's my world, you're just living in it!"

Everything I know to be true is subject to my experiences. So, subjectively, the world I am in -- my world -- is all about me, what I want, what I can get, "what I will make of myself," etc.

But that's not what the bible teaches.

This isn't our world. Living with free will isn't a right, it's a gift from God to live out His purpose and plan. So, at the end of the day, it doesn't matter what my choices are. God calls me to choose to submit to His will.

Contrary to popular belief, we don't get to choose our destinies. God does. We don't get to make lists, schedules and 5-year plans. God does. Our designs and plans don't mean anything because we really have no control over the future. God calls us foolish for broadcasting our plans without including Him in the equation. James 4:13-16 says, 

"Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit”— yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.” As it is, you boast in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil."

We don't have authority over the plans that we make. We are just dust in the wind (which God created) for God's purposes. You know, here today and gone tomorrow. 

Over the past few months, as I'm applying to medical schools and graduate schools and such, I've realized that I really have no clue what the future holds for me. I've fallen into the habit of, when people ask me my future plans, saying, "Medical school, Lord willing." But I've come to realize that this statement is not only the truest answer I can give, it is also honoring to God. It's the way He commands me (and you) to respond. (See James 4:15) 

It gives credit where credit is due. Because, after all, it's His world, I'm just living in it. 

Identity crisis?

I supposed it's time for my due diligence -- an update. Today I am inspired by my friend Katie, who writes over at Katie and Caboodle. Go check out her blog!

Anyway, her post today involved an honest confession...definitely something I could relate to. It made me think about other areas of my life and my desires that maybe aren't so innocent. You know, how certain things are wonderful and good until your brain contorts them into something they shouldn't be? Something that is, dare I say it, sinful?

Well, I know that I have a wrongful tendency to do that. Let me give you an example:

I like making music! I love singing, playing piano and guitar, learning new instruments (just bought a violin!) and getting lost in the rhythm. I love pouring out my heart into musical poetry, sharing those intimate details of who I am in a song. It's cathartic, and ends up being a really special way to manifest who I am.

Ever since I've started selling the CD's though, I feel burdened by worry. What if nobody buys them? What if people don't like them? What if my plight in music is futile, and will fizzle out in just a few weeks? What if the songs don't appeal to the masses?

Suddenly my joy coming purely from music transformed to desire for recognition...hunger for approval from man. It's twisted, and I hate it!

This project never was about fame. Well, it was never about my fame. It started as a fundraising medium so that I would have the resources to go abroad and share the gospel and further God's fame. It was a leap of faith to trust God to provide (and indeed I trust!) I was somewhat nervous in certain regards, like whether I could actually do it (I did), whether the recording session would work out (it did) or whether the music would sound good (it does). But God hammered Philippians 4:6-7 into my heart, I ordered the CD's and was excited for their arrival (and totally at peace.)

When fundraising started, though, I had to be creative. Creativity = Vulnerability. For me, vulnerability = anxiety. What if my Facebook friends are irritated that I keep soliciting (page invites, event invites, updates for days)? What if, when I go door to door, people are irritated that I disturbed their evening? I even contacted a few radio stations and was turned down by one. I received some really constructive feedback and encouragement to "continue my pursuit of a career in music," etc. Now my "career in music is at stake?"

But guess what? I never set out to have a career in music! I never wanted to be famous, so why do I suddenly care if my musical style matches what is currently popular? I never wanted to be 'the cool kid. I don't care if people are annoyed by my Facebook posts, because they are directing people to Jesus! I don't care if people feel interrupted by my sales pitch in the evenings, because God could use that moment or the music to reveal himself...so it doesn't matter if their temporary irritation is directed at me. I don't have to take it personally.

Speaking of personal offense, God is very much offended when I let my heart fall towards anxiety instead of prayer, toward a desire for fame instead of satisfaction in humble obedience to God's call, or toward impressing others instead of sharing truth regardless of whether people receive it.

I guess my point is that it's so easy for me to focus on impressing other people, gaining recognition in the world, and sacrificing a quiet life for one of fortune and excitement. I'm ashamed that my heart began to yearn for that sort of recognition from others...and even more so because it's not new. Looking back on my life, there has been a deep desire to feel significant. I don't know why, either. I guess it's just part of my sinful nature. At the end of the day, I don't want to be known for making music. I want to be known as someone who lets God use her. I want to be known for being someone who speaks gently, loves hard, and submits wholly to the Lord. My identity is not in my hobbies, my school work, (lack of ) athleticism, career, degree physical beauty or even my character. My identity is in Christ, who, though I am still a sinner, loves me and died for me.

Day 1

Day 1 of the campaign was wildly successful. Eleven CD's were sold total, and I even met another recording engineer! That was very cool. Including pre-sales from people I personally know and from advertising, eighteen CD's have been purchased!

If I continue to sell this successfully, a week from today I will be sold out! If every CD is sold in this initial order, I will net $1200. If the sell in a week, I will definitely have reason to purchase another order, and this time a larger one!

I'm hoping that reading that was an encouragement. I know that writing it out was a huge encouragement even just to me. I started the post saying how successful the day was, but if I'm totally honest, last night I was feeling somewhat dejected after the first round of sales before I left for the second round. I had been turned down by a LOT of people, and for some reason I was expecting to open my email inbox to maybe twenty emails from online donations. Obviously that's not unrealistic, but these kinds of things take time, which excitements seems to have no tolerance for. But reading the numbers, day one WAS extraordinarily successful! I've already raised $224, sold 18 CD's and probably encouraged just as many people.  

I will continue to work on getting the CD's into coffee shops and on radio stations. A few days ago, I sent out CD's to WBGL and K-LOVE contacts. I've been in touch with the managers who referred me to the individuals who oversee the new music that gets played. So far the responses have been extremely encouraging, so I'm continuing to pray that fruit will come from that endeavor. I have yet to hear from any coffee shops so perhaps I will drive out to them tomorrow.

A few stories from the day:

House A) One lady initially turned me down, which wasn't unusual. I'd been turned down quite often. I left and was walking to the next house, and all of a sudden I heard, "Miss, how much are the CD's?" I turned around and she was at the end of her driveway beckoning to me. She bought a CD and we both went on our (merry) ways. It really made me smile.

House B) This man was very nice and shook my hand when I met him. I explained that I was a college student, selling original music for mission trips. He made a point of saying he wasn't "a believer" but he likes when people do good things. He gave me $20 but said he really wasn't interested in the CD. I thought that was really interesting. I'll definitely be praying for him. People like that always fascinate me, because they clearly have an awareness of the void in their lives and are compelled towards the sort of behavior that God calls us to, but are sort of trapped by their unwillingness to accept God's offer or learn more about him. I was definitely in that place once. I would almost liken the situation to someone who is literally stuck to a wall (like with tape or glue or something) but isn't really motivated to get off the wall. It's kind of sad, but definitely motivates prayer!

House C) This man literally said to me, "I'm sorry, I can't buy one. I don't have any money. She (I'm assuming his wife) won't give me any. She's working until midnight." That interaction was really shocking. It's a somber reminder of the really poor states that some people are in. People who live literally in my own neighborhood are completely broke, financially. People are experiencing marital problems. People endure losses and hardship: death of family members, devastating illnesses, maybe they are working multiple jobs or just lost theirs; maybe they are being bullied at school, struggling with a mental illness, maybe these homes and families are like mine was when I was growing up, shadowed by darkness without anybody knowing or able to help. This world is so broken! 

It's situations like House C that make me motivated to do the door to door solicitation. In retrospect, I really regret not just giving a CD to that man. Maybe he would have listened to it, really been intrigued, related to my story and then experienced the gospel of Christ. Maybe it would have impacted his life in a positive way. Darn it. Next time, right? And I can always go back.

But that's the thing. This project isn't just about raising money. It's about sharing God's word through music, which is something he has given me a lot of excitement about. (The evangelism AND the music.) When I think about this man, I think about the song Alone on my CD which describes a longing for someone else to surrender their struggles. There's hurt and hardship in this life, and sometimes we're hardly floating, but there is a way out - we don't have to do it alone. I SO wish that every single person knew that truth!

It really all comes down to having faith. (I got one of those cool MudLOVE bracelets at my church that says 'faith.' Good reminder...) It's not up to me to change people's hearts, but it IS up to me to choose to have faith that God will. The best part of that truth is that God actually can. It's so great to trust in a God who can move mountains with his breathe and spin the earth from day to night with his words. Praise be.

Love,

Alexandra

July 1st

Tomorrow is the big day -- July 1st -- the project officially launches. I've started advertising on Facebook by posting a countdown, creating an event and changing my cover photo. I posted on Instagram. I have told my friends and family. Two people have already made purchases!

I also have been in contact with local radio stations and coffee shops who are willing to discuss the music with me, and possibly do some advertising. That would be amazing, huh?

I'm nervous, excited and terrified all in one. Please be praying!

But, y'all, there's one more thing that you can be doing in addition to praying. Telling your friends and family! Tell them you've been praying for this project that God is using to further His kingdom. If you know anyone who would be interested in listening to encouraging music and making a donation to a great cause, please, please PLEASE say something! 

Meanwhile, please keep praying. This is all in God's hands, and the impact is up to him. 

Thank you again for all your help!

Love,

Alexandra

PS -- This isn't the end, not even close! I will keep updating about the progress of the sales and of course about opportunities that come along for going on mission trips! Stay tuned!