What's that smell?

I worked at a flavor company this past summer, and as you can imagine there were all kinds of smells. Part of my job was to mix different chemicals together (ie things that smelled pretty harsh and weird) in the right proportions to yield delicious strawberry, chocolate, or, (my favorite,) Trix cereal scents. I generally came home from work smelling like a mix of tobacco and birthday cake - or at least that's how my sister described it. There were quite a few memorable aspects of the job (such as free coffee and two of the sweetest/kindest bosses ever) but honestly the most highlighted memory in my mind was the smells. 

Smell can be both subtle and sharp at the same time. I remember numerous occasions when one of my coworkers in the lab would come in after spending time in the offices and announce "Oh, it smells so gross in here, like (rancid bacon/sewer/rotten cabbage/etc," or maybe the more pleasurable, "Mmmm! Who's making (strawberry/caramel/coconut)?" 

Having been in the lab for hours, though, none of the rest of us would be aware of any such smell, which was often times blissful ignorance. (No, I do not want to take a whiff of your carefully crafted "egg yolk" flavor, thankyouverymuch.)

We become habituated to a lot of different things in life, not just the various smells in our workplaces: things like the commute to work, the ever-present need to do laundry, and the way our "X"-in-law annoyingly chews with his/her mouth open. Or maybe we don't, but we should.

But then there are other things that we come to ignore that we maybe shouldn't: beautiful sunsets every night, gorgeous landscapes, the immense blessing of family and friends, our daily bread. 

I too often tend to fall victim to "the-grass-is-greener-on-the-other-side" syndrome failing to acknowledge the many ways that my own life is beautiful, and kind of plod along in frustrated disillusionment until someone else points it out for me. Instead of the smell of fresh fruit, it's the "Wow, look at the amazing view you have out the window," or, if I share my hopes/dreams/plans (Lord willing, of course), the "That sounds so cool!" And guess what? It is cool - even if nobody else points it out. 

I'm not a "New Years Resolution" person (because I believe that our lives change for the better when we draw nearer to God and He convicts us -- not because we have enough will power) but I am a "Prayer" person. One of my prayers lately is that God will help me to be aware of the beauty around me on a moment-by-moment basis, and that I don't become jaded to the many ways that I am blessed.My prayer is that I wouldn't fall into emotionless routines, but that I would be actively seeking the will of God in everything I do.

This is often known as a season of thankfulness and gratitude, but let us be thankful to God for His presence every single day, yes?

Little Reminders

One of the struggles we face as Christians in this world is not being of the world. Even though we aren't bound by the law, we are still responsible and called to live lives that are set apart. Sin doesn't have a hold on us like it does on non-believers, and so we have a responsibility before God to live selflessly, not self-indulgently. Our pursuits aren't to be about fame, fortune, or fashion, but about passionate servitude. Of course, it helps that as we fall more and more in love with Jesus, our hearts become aligned with His, and this submission comes more naturally. 

And yet, the condition of our hearts are ever being revealed in our behavior: selfie sticks, gossip, sexual perversion, to name a few of equal magnitude. (A reminder that we all need, but especially the self-righteous picketers.) We get wrapped up in the world and its obsessive tendencies.

The thought crossed my mind yesterday that even if I chose to throw away my pursuit of holiness and started living like a heathen, I'd still be saved. I'm not bound by the law, right? So why not succumb to my sinful nature a la Romans 6:1, and "live life to the fullest" according to the world? But in my heart, I know that the "fullest" way we can live life is to walk with the King and pursue Him at all costs. Sensing my own sin, I asked God for grace, and to show himself to me today. I prayed that He would remind me that He is worth it, even if it's a struggle to say no to some of my desires. I asked Him to remind me that He is sovereign, that He is all-powerful, that charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised (Proverbs 31:30). 

Another prayer, answered: later that day, I saw that someone I went to high school with had messaged me on Facebook. Glad that God had scooped me back up, she asked about my testimony. So I told her all about how got met me in my broken place and pulled me out of the dark and into the light.

As I was writing to her, reflecting on how God had healed my broken heart, I was reminded of the girl I once was: the old self that I put away when I chose to walk with Christ. I was reminded of what my life was like when I was living of my own accord, trying to measure up to the world's standards, trying to find meaning despite the very hard and painful aspects of my life. I was reminded that God is relevant, active and integral in every aspect of existence, that He is sovereign and all-powerful, and that I won't get anywhere by my own attempts to be charming or beautiful. I was reminded that true beauty is born from fear of the Lord.

God answers prayers in unexpected ways. The count now reaches four for people that I have reconnected with from my past because of our shared faith in Christ. 

Very, very cool. 

I'm sick, and I'm glad about it

My accomplishments don't matter. Well, they do matter. But not because I had anything to do with them. 

I like music. A lot. I love singing, writing melodies, playing the piano, etc. I love feeling the hum of my guitar against my chest, when the vibrations of the strings are in tune with my heart beat. Music makes me feel alive. 

I started this blog because of music - first as a place to update my prayer partners regarding my plight to record an album - dubbed "my music project." Then I found myself writing about what other things God was doing in my life, which evolved to full-on scripture-based blog posts. So that's how this happened. I didn't really mean for this blog to become a blog. But it did, praise God.

Kind of like I never really intended to become a musician. Forced piano lessons as a kid evolved into the purchase of my first guitar in 2013, and then waking up every morning with a song on my lips. Somehow, this Friday, I'll be performing live - less a few open mic nights - for the first time ever. It's easy to say, "Woo-hoo! Look at me! Yay! I'm a musician!" #swag

But having #swag takes the fun out of music for me. When it starts to be all about "the cool," it starts to be all about me, and I don't like when things are all about me - it gives me anxiety. I start to worry about whether I sound good, whether people like it, etc. I find myself reluctant to try to sell CD's or to let my friends listen because I'm embarrassed by my amateur sound and sometimes cheesy lyrics. I find myself wishing I hadn't made a CD at all. 

One of my dear friends gave me a little perspective on this the other day. She wisely said, "Alex, don't let your fear of what other people think get in the way of what God is doing through your music"

In other words, let the music be what it's supposed to be: a tool to point to God, glorifying His name and impacting the nations. Music -- and everything I do really -- should be for God's glory, not mine. It should be about what God can do, not what mere humans think. Why? Because God is God, and I am not.

"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters." - Colossians 3:23

I am so thankful for friends and fellowship that convicts me, pointing me back toward the Lord and away from my own self-absorbed obsessions. 

This week I have been diligent in prayer that not only will God help Friday's performance to go smoothly, and that I "sound good" and whatnot, but that my focus in approaching music every single day will be about God and not about myself. 

So naturally, I started to panic when I caught a cold, woke up with a hoarse voice and a cough. 

But, being sick is an answer to my prayers!

Today, I'm grateful that I'm sick. I'm thankful that I need to lean into the Lord's healing power instead of relying on my green juice and soup. Yes, I want to get better so I can sing tomorrow. But I also want God's plans to trump my own. If it is the Lord's will, it will happen. Worrying about my voice and its sound is sinful, because my heart is concerned about other's esteem and not about God's. Being sick reminds me that my voice comes from the Lord and is used for Him. It doesn't matter what I think, because God is going to use me perfectly. I can't screw up what God has planned.

I'm glad I'm sick, because it reminds me that I am only able to do anything because God permits it. It's all about God, and not about me.

God gave me a voice to be used for Him. If He allows me to sing Friday, it will be for His glory, not my own.

"Now listen, you who say, 'Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.' Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, 'If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that.' As it is, you boast in your arrogant schemes. All such boasting is evil." - James 4:13-16

Today is about God and tomorrow is about God, because He is the creator of time, the author of life, and the heartbeat of the world.

Isaiah 19

Isaiah is the first book of the four major prophets. I think it's really cool because it provides background and understanding of the old testament as well as the conviction of the gospels. It both emphasizes God's judgement and proclaims His mercy and grace. Both of those elements are necessary for a thorough understanding of who God is. For me, Isaiah is really effective at communicating that. 

Sometimes I find the prophetic books really difficult to read because I'm not entirely sure what they mean, or the wording is confusing, or something. Sometimes, simply by nature of being a prophecy, those books makes me go all Harry Potter, and then I skeeve myself out. What I've learned, though, is that not all of the prophecies are foretelling of the future. The word prophet (Hebrew: 'naiby') means 'inspired man.' The main idea behind each prophet is that God is speaking. Whenever God speaks, it's in our best interest to listen.

Yes, sometimes these prophecies tell about future events, as with Isaiah 19, but sometimes they simply describe the status of something (i.e. the depravity of humanity, the deity of Jesus, etc.) Other times they reveal truth that was previously unbeknownst. I'm no theologian, but that's my basic understanding. 

In Isaiah 19, God is speaking through Isaiah to reveal future events in Egypt. Today, more than 2,500 years after Isaiah was written, this prophecy still holds important truths about the tendencies of sinners, the nature of God, and what we can know to be true about our own futures.

Isaiah Chapter 19: A Summary

The Egyptians are guilty of idolatry. They have constructed idols of their own accord, and worship them as if they are Gods. They make sacrifices to them, consult them for guidance, etc. The Lord, righteously angry about this, stirs up a war among the Egyptians to punish them, ultimately handing them over to Satan's rule for a while. There is a horrible drought, agribusiness is annihilated, and widespread hunger ensues. Ultimately, as is written in verse 15, "There is nothing Egypt can do --"

Their "wisdom" is gone, their needs aren't met, and they are unable to get themselves anywhere by relying on their own strength. In this desolate state, they become aware of God and begin to fear Him. They cry out to the Lord, and He sends the savior to rescue them. They worship Him and make vows to Him. God strikes them with a plague and then heals them, and yet they worship Him still. A day then comes when the Egyptians worship with the Assyrians, and God calls them blessed.

Isaiah Chapter 19: An Application

Even though I'm not an Egyptian, and even though my own millennial generation doesn't carve wooden statues and bow to them, I am part of a body of people that:

1. Are sinners, in desperate need of a savior
• It doesn't matter if we are tall, short, black, white, Egyptian or American. God is God, alpha and omega, and I am but a dirty speck compared to His omnipotent purity. If I have any hope of a purposeful life, it is because of the sacrifice of Jesus Christ, who died a perfect death in exchange for our wretched souls.
2. Have a tendency to rely on our own 'relativistic' sense of understanding/truth
• I am very guilty of trying to rely on myself for strength, turning to the "wisdom" of the internet -- written by my fellow fools -- instead of examining God's word, opening my heart, and coming before the king with my questions, concerns and requests.
3. Sometimes endure disasters and wars as a natural consequence of our insolence toward God
• Scary and provocative though it may be to admit, sometimes the horrible things that happen -- the disasters, diseases and destruction -- are part of the ebb and flow of a river of righteousness. God uses suffering to teach us, and just as we struck down Egypt from their self-made high thrones, God will do what is necessary to soften our hearts toward His own inclinations. We should rejoice in this truth, not mourn it!
4. Will one day sing with members of every other culture and race, equalized before God, in a language of universal worship
• We also live in a day and age where racism is disguised as equality, our Jim Crow laws swept under the rug, overlooked, ignored, and denied. Our prejudices aren't immune to the gradient of race, either: the nerds, the prostitutes, the LGBT community, the punks, hipsters, homeless and hurting -- essentially the "least" of our brothers and sisters are repeatedly assaulted by our own hard hearts and judgement. But just as we let the planks in our eyes build walls among us, one day those walls will be reduced to dust by our communal songs of praise for the King.

Lets work against the trends of our society, maybe? Let's fight against sin, turn away from our foolish minds and look toward God. Lets link arms with each other instead of knocking one-another down. Revelation tells us that these wars and rumors of wars are to be expected - they are a sign that the end of the age is ever on its way. God won't grant prayers that are against His plan, but we must remember that it is always in His plan for us to proclaim His name. So, friends, keep opening your mouths!

Priorities

I'm not a neat freak, but every morning I am intentional about making my bed. It's a really useful habit when I'm at school because my bedroom is really small, and then I can use the bed as a "staging area," and sometimes a couch (ha, ha!) My bedroom at home is substantially larger, but I still make my bed every morning.

Sometimes, when my brother-in-law goes to work really early, my sister, nephew, and two border collies will come wake me up by climbing onto the bed next to me. We bask in the baby snuggles until little fingers and fuzzy noses start pulling out my hair and playing with my phone charger...then we actually get up and go eat breakfast. 

On these mornings, it takes me substantially longer to make my bed because instead of just one side having turned covers, the whole of my blankets, sheets and pillows are usually all the way on the floor. What's usually just a flipping of the corner of my comforter and a fluffing of my pillow becomes the whole nine yards. But I wouldn't trade it for the world - a few extra minutes making my bed versus those precious moments with my little buddy? I'll take the baby cuddles every time. 

One day, Lord willing, I'll have kiddos of my own, and will have to face my messy home and make the choice between cleaning up the dishes and being available to my children when they proudly show me their Lego structures or when I need to tell them that the TV remote is actually not a fun toy. In my ideal world, I'll be super-mom and do it all: prestigious career, home-cooked meals every night, an immaculate house, a perfect marriage, and happy, well-trained, adorable children. Picture perfect, right? I know in my heart, though, that every layer I pile on that stack will not be adding richness to my life, but rather detracting from those precious relationships and experiences with my family. I'm not a mom yet, but I can already see that I sometimes view lesser things and more important than my relationships with God and others. 

It all comes down to our priorities in life. God must come first, always, followed by our dear relationships with family and friends. Money, jobs, houses, fashion and perfectly-made beds will die with this world, and the only things that will matter are our relationship with God, and our relationships with the other souls he created. It's hard to imagine, but if I had nothing else besides those two things -- not even the clothes on my back, my life could be richer and fuller and more meaningful. Apart from God and people, every silly, man-made thing on this earth is only a distraction if it isn't being used to further the kingdom. 

Luke 10:38-42New Living Translation (NLT)

Jesus Visits Martha and Mary

38 As Jesus and the disciples continued on their way to Jerusalem, they came to a certain village where a woman named Martha welcomed him into her home.39 Her sister, Mary, sat at the Lord’s feet, listening to what he taught. 40 But Martha was distracted by the big dinner she was preparing. She came to Jesus and said, “Lord, doesn’t it seem unfair to you that my sister just sits here while I do all the work? Tell her to come and help me.”

41 But the Lord said to her, “My dear Martha, you are worried and upset over all these details! 42 There is only one thing worth being concerned about. Mary has discovered it, and it will not be taken away from her.”

Decisions, Decisions...

I'm at a stage in my life when I have to make a lot of important decisions --  really important ones -- like "my-future-and-well-being-depend-on-this" kind of decisions. Maybe you can relate? 

If I were to sum up my decision making process in one word, it would be "panic." It's not the prospect of choosing that scares me, but more the fact that I am suddenly bestowed this important responsibility, and if I make the wrong choice, it's all my fault. This is obviously a terrifying realization, and so I sit and stew about it; as the deadline approaches, I become increasingly on-edge. Occasionally I will petition the input of people I trust, or even try to weasel them into making the decision for me. (They never seem to comply with that one...darn.)

As I was reading the bible this morning, though, I was really convicted that my go-to of "panic" should instead be "prayer." 

Cognitively, I know this, but the notion has never made the journey from head to heart - as is evident by said panicking. I think part of this reason is because I've never taken the time to investigate what it means, exactly, to seek God's wisdom when making decisions. I finally did that this morning, and here's what I noticed:

We Have No Clue What We're Doing

"Woe to those who are wise in their own eyes and clever in their own sight." - Isaiah 5:21

Sometimes I am keenly aware of this truth, like when I sit down to analyze said important decisions and realize I have no idea where to start. It's with other things, though, when my head gets a little big and pride and arrogance lead me toward impulsiveness. Sometimes these "little actions" don't matter that much, and sometimes they do - but what's really important to note about all of it is the condition of my heart. Even if I feel incompetent when making the decision, I still strive to do so on my own accord, trusting in my own sense of "wisdom." Newsflash, humans: we are incompetent in every sense of the word. The only way that we can make good choices in this life is by consulting the Father of wisdom. 

As Matilda's father, Harry Wormwood, would [sort of] say: God's smart, we're dumb, He's big, we're little, He's right, we're wrong, and there's nothing we can do about it! 

God Will Direct Us

Isaiah 7

Way back in the old testament, two big-headed bible folk (King Rezin and Pekah) decided to round up their troops and head off to fight Jerusalem, where Ahaz was king. The Lord instructed Isaiah to go to Ahaz and tell him about what was happening and encourage him to stand firm in his faith. The Lord himself spoke to Ahaz and said, "Ask the Lord your God for a sign, whether in the deepest depths or in the highest heights." (Isaiah 7:10-11). In other words, God was inviting Ahaz to seek God's wisdom and direction audaciously, and to ask, even if it was a lofty request. But Ahaz refused - he didn't want to "put the Lord to the test." 

In this case, Ahaz had pure intentions. He thought he was doing the right thing by not 'bothering' God with his troubles, but that's not how God works. God wants to have that sort of communication with us. Sometimes, He has a really important agenda and we need to be open and humble before Him so we can receive what He has to say. Reading on in Isaiah 7, God gives Ahaz a sign anyway, despite his reluctance to ask for it. What he learned was beyond anything he could have imagined. 

 God Requires Humility

"A wicked and adulterous generation asks for a miraculous sign, but none will be given it except the sign of the profit Jonah!" - Matthew 12:39

In this verse in Matthew, the Pharisees asked Jesus for a ''sign." They weren't asking for direction in their decision making, but rather were mocking the authority of Jesus. They were asking for a miracle to prove His deity. Jesus rebuked them, saying that the only "sign" they would get was the undeniable proof that Jesus was the messiah when He would rise again, three days after crucifixion. They refused to humble themselves before the Lord, so the Lord would overtly humble them in time.

Yes, the Pharisees would eventually get the "sign" they asked for, but they would also get what they really wanted, which was distance from God and His truth. They would be denied the communion and intimate relationship with Christ that came with being His followers. The Pharisees were wise in their own eyes and didn't really care what God had to say to them. As a result, they continued to live in ignorance of God's love and grace. 

"Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God." - Matthew 5:8

God Rewards Humility

"At that time, the disciples came to Jesus and asked, 'Who, then, is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?' He called a little child to him, and placed the child among them. And he said: 'Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like the little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.'" - Matthew 18:1-4

God exalts those who humble themselves. But God also guides those who have the humility to come before him, ask, seek, and knock (Matthew 7:7). Children are used here as an illustration of humility, because children are often aware of their own insufficiency! This is completely opposite of our culture's attitude of self-sufficiency. God wants us to come to Him, on our knees, when we need to make decisions - whether they are big or small! Children so often view their parents as all-knowing and all-powerful. Mommy and Daddy can fix boo-boos, give comforting hugs and know the answers to everything. As adults, it's so difficult for us to view God this way, but it's the only way for us to hear from the Lord and receive His wisdom!

God wants to be in communication with us, and honestly, we need to be in communication with Him. We won't get anywhere on our own, and will probably wind up making some poor choices if we are trying to rely on our own "wisdom." Imagine the level of commitment required of a person who kneels before God in prayer and stays there until he hears an answer! God, give me the faith and courage to ask for your wisdom.

Your Christianity Offends Me

I have noticed in my own life that the more time I spend with the Lord, the more my heart and my desires align with Christ. My attitude changes, my behavior changes, and all of it is evident to other people. I remember when I first became a Christian, the transformation of my character and person was so radical that people who I wasn't even that close to noticed. The Christians in my life were happy, and the non-Christians didn't really care. It wasn't until I came to college that really faced opposition for my faith. 

Three years after I became a Christian, I had my first sort of faith "epiphany," after I realized that many of the struggles and fears I was facing in life were a direct result of placing my hope and trust in things that weren't God. I suppose that up until that point I had been vaguely aware of the "false Gods" in my life, but wasn't motivated to do anything about it -- until I was. I reached a point where I decided to just be "all-in" with my faith, and I jumped: I began seeking God more aggressively, made an effort to spend time in His word on a daily basis, began phasing out some of the negative influences on my life and behavior, and focused on my prayer life. Evidently, the change in me was noticeable once again. This time around, though, when some of the non-Christians in my life noticed, they were displeased, and they let me know it. 

I was shocked when this happened to me, but I shouldn't have been. The bible clearly states that the more Christlike we become, the more the world will hate us.

John 15:18 "If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first."

It's strange to think that someone might hate us for embracing a lifestyle of love and truth, but after pondering the issue for some time, I've come to realize why someone might be offended by my faith. Here are a few reasons I came up with:

• Conscience: Living righteously is noticeable in our age, when discord and immorality are running rampant. People, simply after seeing someone quietly abstain from objectionable behavior, might become defensive about their own actions. Without a humble spirit, people can become angry simply because a Christian isn't doing what everyone else is doing. 
• Conviction: Sometimes people are perfectly comfortable in their sin. When they are convicted by a Christian's behavior or words, they realize that actually changing their behavior would cause them discomfort. Again, cue anger. It's like being interrupted while reading a good book - my first impulse is to yell at the person who interrupted me (until I reign in my frustration and try to be calm...)
• God has laws: Today's society values flexibility and relativity when it comes to morals and values, right vs. wrong, etc. There's an attitude of "What's right for you might not be right for me," and people argue that "there are no absolutes." God's clearly-defined, exclusive and absolute truth goes against this ideology, and some people will take offense to that.
• The enemy: Satan will use any and every tactic to keep people from coming to Christ. He twists people's words and manipulates minds to increase divisions among people. People who don't have Christ as their savior are especially vulnerable to the devil's tactics.

Sometimes it might be easy to forget that the king of the world was ridiculed, beaten, spit on, mocked, slandered, abused and moreover rejected in every way imaginable. People who rejected Him also hated Him, and they looked for ways to destroy Him. 

According the John 15:18, we can expect the world to do the same to us, with increasing aggression as we become more and more like Christ. We are promised this, but also that God will not let us be overcome by the objections: 2 Corinthians 4:8-9 "We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken, struck down but not destroyed."

We also are equipped with the ability to forgive the people that hurt us, oppose us, and attempt to bring us down. We are commanded to forgive, but also equipped to do so by the Holy Spirit because when we accept Christ, sin loses its power over us. (Romans 6:14). Amazing, isn't it?

So, my closing message is this: take heart. You will be slandered, abused, harassed, mocked and tried. Use the objections as a reason to draw closer to God. Jesus says it himself, "You will be hated by everyone because of me, but the one who stands firm to the end will be saved." -Matthew 10:22

War and Peace

The world is hurting from all of the events that took place this past Friday. Everyone is talking about it, I'm sure you've heard about it. There's even a new hashtag: #PrayforParis; and Facebook, along with national capitols, are decorated with red, white and blue French flags. People are shouting, crying, and whispering. There are questions everywhere: why?

What kind of God allows terrorism, earthquakes, death and such pervasive pain in the world? Where is "God" amid all of this? 

It is so important to understand in this growing reign of terror that these catastrophes are not from God. God is all good, beyond the realm of any human comprehension. The Lord himself is goodness. The world, however, is sinful, broken and very distant from God. These terror attacks and disasters are a result of the pervasive power of sin in the world. We are fighting a spiritual battle against an enemy who craves total destruction. 

These horrible things happen as a physical manifestation of this spiritual battle. 

Sin can be described as an absence of God. When a person sins, his or her heart is far from God. A person in communication and relationship with God does not sin in those moments. Sin occurs where God is not. God is not in ISIS. God is not in the hurricane. God is not the unibomber, Al-Qaeda or a deadly illness. "For God is not a God of disorder, but a God of peace." -1 Corinthians 14:33. 

But that doesn't mean God isn't in control of all these things, or that he can't use them for good. Because he can, and he does. 

See, in this ongoing battle, there is a truth that God has already conquered evil. There is already an end in sight, a unique gift of hope that Christians have received. Amid these scary events, we are untouchable. There are far worse things that can overcome a person than physical death, and while a Christian may fall victim to assassins or disaster, his or her soul is safe from evil because of Jesus. Our hope is not in our physical bodies, but in an immaculate God who is stronger than evil. 

We have hope and peace, even when we can't understand why these things happen, or what good can come from them. But the truth is that God has plans and a purpose for good in ALL situations. Evil never prevails, even when it threatens to. 

Historically, there have been horrible disasters and catastrophes that God has used for good, even though the events stemmed from such atrocious evil that it seems impossible for God to be in them. The most powerful example of this is in the gospel message itself. 

The most scandalous and horrifying event to ever have occurred in the history of the world was the murder of Jesus Christ. The sadness and pain the swept over Israel and the entire world on that day was more profound than what we are feeling in the aftermath of the events on November 13th. "In that moment, the temple curtain tore in two, from top to bottom. The earth shook and the rocks split." Matthew 27:51. Yet amid the tragedy of it all was born the beautiful gift of salvation for all who place their hope in Him. Just as we can find hope in Christ's death, we can find hope among other disasters. In this way we can Praise God because of such suffering. 

As Christians, we can find peace. We don't have to be anxious or afraid. 

For non-Christians, I urge you: now is as good a time as ever to place your hope and your trust in Jesus Christ. Look at the world and what horrible things are happening. They are going to continue, and will be increasingly terrible. Where will you turn when you can no longer help yourself?

"Come to me, all you who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you as learn from me, for I am gentle and humble of heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." -Matthew 11:28-30

Radical Grace

Winter is approaching, and the piece that isn't talked about quite as much as holiday cheer is the darker and more depressing side dish to the lack of sunlight.

Depression and anxiety are complicated subjects because the experience is unique to each person. I've struggled with both in the past, and while I found various psychological techniques useful (ie different "healthy coping mechanisms,") none of them "cured me." Barring generalizations, I think this is because my own inner turmoil stemmed from my attempts and resultant inability to reconcile my self-view with my world-view. 

You see, real life is messy. It goes wrong because we go wrong, and sometimes it goes wrong even if we're right. None of it makes any sense, and as we try harder and harder to be perfect, we fall farther and farther from the impossible standards, increasing the level of anxiety with every attempt and ultimately becoming depressed by our own depravity. Or at least, that's what I did. Until I learned about the radical gift of grace (Ephesians 2:8-9), which is sufficient: His power made perfect in my weakness.

Radical grace is recognizing our imperfections and boasting in them, because He alone is perfect. (2 Corinthians 12:9) I am continually incapable of conducting myself in a way that speaks light to others. I make mistakes, but the gift in my vulnerable state is that God alone is perfect. Our faith is in an infallible being.

Radical grace is realizing that we will never reach those impossible standards that we all strive toward, but we are still loved more powerfully than the lock of sin on our lives. (Romans 6:14) Two words: habitual sin. Two (better) words: radical grace.

Radical grace is given, not earned, because we would never be worthy of it. (Romans 11:6) Like any gift, we need to accept it.

Radical grace is shouting, from the tops of our lungs, that we are broken, failed and horribly insufficient, and that we need something more than what we could ever muster from within ourselves. (James 4:6) On our own we are nothing, but with God anything is possible. 

Radical grace is allowing yourself to be transformed from all that we are into all that God has for us. (1 Corinthians 15:10) It is dying to ourselves to live in freedom.

Radical grace is that even when we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (Romans 5:8) How powerful is that? While we were still sinners. Not once we repented, changed and became perfect! While we were the ugliest of ugly, the most beautiful creation of God washed us clean with His blood - when we least deserved it. It's the radical grace of God that appeared, bringing salvation to all people (Titus 2:11). How sweet is the sound of amazing grace that saved even a wretch like me!

Government

Definition: 

The system by which the policies, actions and affairs of a nation, state or community are conducted.

It might be wise to note that this definition of government in no way references morality, good vs bad, right vs wrong, or any other reference code of conduct. It merely describes the way things are - "the status-quo" so-to-speak. In many governments -- or at least in America -- things are run by the people, to suit the people. Things are not run by God to suit God. That's just not the way it is. The bible even says so.

I was reading in Luke this morning, about Jesus's trial, conviction and ultimate sentencing to crucifixion. Throughout chapters 22 and 23, the people, infuriated by Jesus, are petitioning Pilate to do something about this bothersome man. Pilate recognized Jesus's innocence, but was faced with a dilemma: as the governing body, his power came from the people and was subject to removal by the people. In other words, he was accountable for keeping people happy -- and happy they were not, because of Jesus. Pilate tried to defer to Herod, who found Jesus equally innocent, and between the two of them, Jesus was ultimately convicted despite bearing no guilt for any crimes. (Sinless, anyone?) At the end of Luke 23:23, the infuriated people demanded action, "and their shouts prevailed." 

In this government - under Pontius Pilate, the people made the call.

I couldn't help but think of today's government. Christians in America are guilty of putting a little too much faith in politicians. Yes, we all "know" that "politicians are corrupt, cheats, liars, thieves, whatever," and yet we petition them and beg them to act on our behalf. One big debacle as of late is with Planned Parenthood. Of course I would love it if our governors, congressmen, senators and president voted to make abortion illegal. But, I don't think that's going to happen, and I don't think that begging them will change anything. Why? Because Christian voices are overpowered by secular ones when it comes to government. Politicians looking to get re-elected need to appeal to the majority, and in most cases the majority do not hold a Christian worldview. 

Government acts according to the people, and as Christians looking to stop the evil in our world, we can't go to the government and expect them to act. We need to go directly to the people. Instead of pouring funds into lobbying politicians, what if we opened our homes and our hearts to the single, pregnant women who feel their only option is abortion? What if, instead of petitioning our governors to found integration programs, we were the hands and feet of Jesus -- being the church body -- and feeding, clothing and loving on the homeless? What if, instead of battling against our spiritually lost neighbors, we invited them to join us at a soup kitchen? How different would the world look then?

I am in no way saying that we shouldn't care about politics. Indeed, we are all responsible for voting for biblical values. But, we needn't be surprised when we are out-voted by folks who are jaded to the many injustices in our society. We can't put our faith in the government because it was the government who handed over Jesus Christ to be crucified, unjustly. Yet it is important to note as well that despite the travesty that it was and is, God's hand was in it all.  

We have been warned: things are going to get worse before they get better. There will be injustices, wars, disasters, abortions, divorces and abuse. But instead of helplessly signing petitions, lets get out there -- onto the mission field -- and actually do something about it, like we have been called to do. 

Fear, Fate and Our Father

I woke up today with this poster looking back at me from across the room:

In reality, I wake up to this poster every morning, but today the words really struck me.

There are so many unknowns in my future right now, and it's so tempting to step aside from what I know to be true about God in favor of hiding under my blankets like a scared child. You see, I don't know what I'll be doing next year. Come to think of it, I don't know what I'll be doing next summer, next semester, or even next week. I'm in that limbo between trusting God and panicking about my life, and I'm definitely toeing the line of the latter. 

That topic makes me recall a little bit about that CD that I have, and my whole music project endeavor. The lyrics to the namesake song read:

"I'm not falling, I'm not falling, 'cause even the rain stops sometimes. Still deciding, redefining, I know that there's more to this life of mine...this life on the line"

It's such a good reminder -- and even though I was in a very different mindset when I wrote that song than I am currently, the words are just as applicable. Facing a wide-open future, it feels like I'm at the edge of a cliff: I was following along the path, happy as a clam, and then all of a sudden it ended at a 500-foot drop. What I thought were the plans God had for my life maybe aren't? But that doesn't mean I'm falling, maybe it means I've been given an opportunity to stop and enjoy the view. I could panic about the fact that there's a sharp valley before me, or I could admire it's beauty.

That of course doesn't mean that there isn't a place for the pain I'm feeling, though. God is continually shaping and refining me to one day become the person He created me to be. I will never become that person by myself -- my sinful nature is like a step backward for every stride I make towards Christ's likeness. The pastor at my church discussed last week how struggle and suffering is one of the primary tools God uses to shape us, and for that hope we are to rejoice. 

Romans 5:3-5 reads, "3 Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4 and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5 and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."

It sounds so backwards to rejoice in my current state of despair (I use that word lightly.) But what's really backwards is the fact that I feel hopeless at all. God is my reason for hope, and when I let his truth infiltrate every ounce of my being, soaking up His words like a dry sponge, joy and peace become the only logical state to be in. Why am I letting my fears determine my fate, when the course of my life was determined before the creation of the earth?

Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name.

A Peace That Transcends All Understanding

Sometimes, I have to admit, the promised peaceful life that is bestowed upon believers is not true of me -- especially with regards to the everyday, little inconveniences that should be brushed off. 

This past Friday, someone bumped my car while it was parked in the lot. It actually was the best case situation: the offending individual left a note and phone number, and nobody was hurt. I called the police, filed a claim, my car is getting repaired, all is well. As far as car accidents go, it was about as smooth as they come. Except, not really.

Yes, I was patient and optimistic all through Friday. I made the phone calls I needed to make, I carried on, etc. etc. But things changed today when I went to go drop off my car for repair. The inconveniences piled up, and by noon I was raging about the fact that: 1) I had to wake up an hour earlier. 2) I had to spend my precious gas to drive across the river to one of the "approved" repair shops. 3) I was not first in line and thus had to wait, making me 10 minutes late for work. 4) I had to get a rental, which is a lesser quality, older car with fewer features than my precious, brand-spanking new 2016 Hyundai Elantra. 5) I had to purchase outside insurance for the rental car, which I wouldn't have needed had my own car been intact. 6) I actually didn't need to purchase the outside insurance, but the insurance companies didn't open until after I was at the dealer. 7) Now I have to go all the way back there, using more gas, to prove that I haven't damaged the rental car in the past 2 hours its been in my possession in order to waive the insurance policy. 

Sigh.

Doesn't that just make me sound like a spoiled, rotten, brat? What's even worse is that it felt so darn good to pound out my frustrations in raging text evidence of how I have been wronged. 

Yes, I'm the victim, right? Poor me - I have a beautiful car to drive; I live among honest community members who leave notes instead of anonymous dents and scratches; insurance policies are available that cover the costs associated with the damage to my car; I have a free rental car while my car is being fixed without cost to me; I don't actually have to pay to insure the rental car. 

After nearly losing my cool on the phone when talking to the rental company (again), I heard a faint whisper about peace - that transcends all understanding and guards hearts and minds in Christ (Philippians 4:7). I responded, "Yeah, where's my peace?" The classic, indignant response of an ungrateful child who feels that the world owes her something. But slowly, the rest of that passage emerged from the deep place it was hidden away in my heart - the preceding verse: Philippians 4:6 - "Do not be anxious about anything, but in all things, through prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." The first step? It's on me - don't be anxious. Pray. Be thankful. Next? Philippians 4:8 - "Finally, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is lovely, what ever is good, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things. The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me practice these things and the God of peace will be with you."

Wow. That's rough truth, without the rainbows, butterflies, unicorns and candy that I wished were present. No - for patience and peace, I have responsibility. That responsibility, then, is to follow along the path that God has instructed me: to focus on what is good, righteous and true. Pray. Give thanks for my blessings, not my burdens. Then and ONLY THEN, do I receive that peaceful presence of God. 

That, my friends, is conviction. I am guilty before God not because of my behavior, but because of the condition of my heart. 

Political Correctness

The past couple weeks, a group has been coming to my university campus to preach, but their method of doing so is much different than what I'm accustomed to: in your face, flushed shouting, repent-of-your-sins, look-at-my-sign kind of preaching.

 

The first time I saw them last week, I brushed them off, kind of gritted my teeth and tried to pretend that I wasn't embarrassed. The second time, I approached one of them (the one sitting quietly in the corner) and asked them if they actually thought that what they were doing was effective. (I was noticing more folks getting offended than convicted...)

Today, I went right up to them and started talking. The thing is, I agree with what they're saying. They are preaching truth, from the bible, God-breathed words. I felt very uneasy from the first day that I saw them preaching because I am a people-pleaser, and I didn't think it was very kind to yell at folks.

This is more along the lines of what I'm accustomed to: playing music, engaging people, sharing the good news and God's grace. But just as shouting about hell fire is only half of the gospel, grace is only half. Both topics are one half of a whole truth that people need to hear. 

So today I perched myself by the engineering fountain and started up a conversation with a man in a plaid shirt and suspenders about what they were doing, the effectiveness of evangelism, and fear of God vs grace of God preaching. As someone who takes special care to be politically correct, I had a lot of questions for folks whose whole ministry is based on violating social norms.

Things I learned:

• Their goal was to make a scene. They weren't being 100% serious. Yes, they fully believed the truth behind their words, but they were trying to be satirical, trying to be something that stuck out in people's memories, trying to make a scene for the sake of it. They wanted people to remember "those religious nuts" because deep down, people have an awareness of their sin. When the time comes, maybe they will turn to God.
• Grace is important, once we realize we need it - people who think they have a problem or don't think they have a penalty to pay don't understand how important it is when someone else pays that penalty.
• Grace is important - from my own experience, I've learned that many people actually are aware of their need. Being real with people about the consequences of unconfessed sin is important, once they realize that accepting Jesus is worth it because of his Grace. When people first come to Jesus, it's because they need something.
• A christian is a christian - I have friends who were really offended by these preachers, but at the end of the day, there need not be division. We are united by Christ, and that is reason enough to befriend each other. Disagreeing about evangelism techniques is not enough to fight with one another. 

We live in a world where in a class discussion about how to make friends after college, nobody suggests a local church. We dwell among a fallen people who need Jesus. However you choose to do so, open your mouth.

It's your world, I'm just living in it...

I joke around with the [title] phrase when someone is running late (or worse, making me run late!) Obviously the world doesn't revolve around my friends, so it's kind of funny to remind them. 

Obviously.

At the end of the day, though, I'm not really sure if the way I live my life reflects the truth that the whole world doesn't belong to me. Maybe you can relate. 

We live in a chart your own adventure type of culture, where anything goes and everyone has the right (and expectation) to live for him/herself. 

Pinterest is littered with all sorts of feel-good quotes like this one:

Everything about this image screams, "Me, me, me!" We focus so much on choosing a career, choosing how we spend our free time, how we dress, relate to others, and just about everything else. Pretty much everything in our society warrants the freedom of choice. Speaking of which...

That's a buzz-word lately, as well.

::eye roll::

So really, it's not that far off if I were to walk up to you and say, "It's my world, you're just living in it!"

Everything I know to be true is subject to my experiences. So, subjectively, the world I am in -- my world -- is all about me, what I want, what I can get, "what I will make of myself," etc.

But that's not what the bible teaches.

This isn't our world. Living with free will isn't a right, it's a gift from God to live out His purpose and plan. So, at the end of the day, it doesn't matter what my choices are. God calls me to choose to submit to His will.

Contrary to popular belief, we don't get to choose our destinies. God does. We don't get to make lists, schedules and 5-year plans. God does. Our designs and plans don't mean anything because we really have no control over the future. God calls us foolish for broadcasting our plans without including Him in the equation. James 4:13-16 says, 

"Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit”— yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.” As it is, you boast in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil."

We don't have authority over the plans that we make. We are just dust in the wind (which God created) for God's purposes. You know, here today and gone tomorrow. 

Over the past few months, as I'm applying to medical schools and graduate schools and such, I've realized that I really have no clue what the future holds for me. I've fallen into the habit of, when people ask me my future plans, saying, "Medical school, Lord willing." But I've come to realize that this statement is not only the truest answer I can give, it is also honoring to God. It's the way He commands me (and you) to respond. (See James 4:15) 

It gives credit where credit is due. Because, after all, it's His world, I'm just living in it. 

Identity crisis?

I supposed it's time for my due diligence -- an update. Today I am inspired by my friend Katie, who writes over at Katie and Caboodle. Go check out her blog!

Anyway, her post today involved an honest confession...definitely something I could relate to. It made me think about other areas of my life and my desires that maybe aren't so innocent. You know, how certain things are wonderful and good until your brain contorts them into something they shouldn't be? Something that is, dare I say it, sinful?

Well, I know that I have a wrongful tendency to do that. Let me give you an example:

I like making music! I love singing, playing piano and guitar, learning new instruments (just bought a violin!) and getting lost in the rhythm. I love pouring out my heart into musical poetry, sharing those intimate details of who I am in a song. It's cathartic, and ends up being a really special way to manifest who I am.

Ever since I've started selling the CD's though, I feel burdened by worry. What if nobody buys them? What if people don't like them? What if my plight in music is futile, and will fizzle out in just a few weeks? What if the songs don't appeal to the masses?

Suddenly my joy coming purely from music transformed to desire for recognition...hunger for approval from man. It's twisted, and I hate it!

This project never was about fame. Well, it was never about my fame. It started as a fundraising medium so that I would have the resources to go abroad and share the gospel and further God's fame. It was a leap of faith to trust God to provide (and indeed I trust!) I was somewhat nervous in certain regards, like whether I could actually do it (I did), whether the recording session would work out (it did) or whether the music would sound good (it does). But God hammered Philippians 4:6-7 into my heart, I ordered the CD's and was excited for their arrival (and totally at peace.)

When fundraising started, though, I had to be creative. Creativity = Vulnerability. For me, vulnerability = anxiety. What if my Facebook friends are irritated that I keep soliciting (page invites, event invites, updates for days)? What if, when I go door to door, people are irritated that I disturbed their evening? I even contacted a few radio stations and was turned down by one. I received some really constructive feedback and encouragement to "continue my pursuit of a career in music," etc. Now my "career in music is at stake?"

But guess what? I never set out to have a career in music! I never wanted to be famous, so why do I suddenly care if my musical style matches what is currently popular? I never wanted to be 'the cool kid. I don't care if people are annoyed by my Facebook posts, because they are directing people to Jesus! I don't care if people feel interrupted by my sales pitch in the evenings, because God could use that moment or the music to reveal himself...so it doesn't matter if their temporary irritation is directed at me. I don't have to take it personally.

Speaking of personal offense, God is very much offended when I let my heart fall towards anxiety instead of prayer, toward a desire for fame instead of satisfaction in humble obedience to God's call, or toward impressing others instead of sharing truth regardless of whether people receive it.

I guess my point is that it's so easy for me to focus on impressing other people, gaining recognition in the world, and sacrificing a quiet life for one of fortune and excitement. I'm ashamed that my heart began to yearn for that sort of recognition from others...and even more so because it's not new. Looking back on my life, there has been a deep desire to feel significant. I don't know why, either. I guess it's just part of my sinful nature. At the end of the day, I don't want to be known for making music. I want to be known as someone who lets God use her. I want to be known for being someone who speaks gently, loves hard, and submits wholly to the Lord. My identity is not in my hobbies, my school work, (lack of ) athleticism, career, degree physical beauty or even my character. My identity is in Christ, who, though I am still a sinner, loves me and died for me.

Day 1

Day 1 of the campaign was wildly successful. Eleven CD's were sold total, and I even met another recording engineer! That was very cool. Including pre-sales from people I personally know and from advertising, eighteen CD's have been purchased!

If I continue to sell this successfully, a week from today I will be sold out! If every CD is sold in this initial order, I will net $1200. If the sell in a week, I will definitely have reason to purchase another order, and this time a larger one!

I'm hoping that reading that was an encouragement. I know that writing it out was a huge encouragement even just to me. I started the post saying how successful the day was, but if I'm totally honest, last night I was feeling somewhat dejected after the first round of sales before I left for the second round. I had been turned down by a LOT of people, and for some reason I was expecting to open my email inbox to maybe twenty emails from online donations. Obviously that's not unrealistic, but these kinds of things take time, which excitements seems to have no tolerance for. But reading the numbers, day one WAS extraordinarily successful! I've already raised $224, sold 18 CD's and probably encouraged just as many people.  

I will continue to work on getting the CD's into coffee shops and on radio stations. A few days ago, I sent out CD's to WBGL and K-LOVE contacts. I've been in touch with the managers who referred me to the individuals who oversee the new music that gets played. So far the responses have been extremely encouraging, so I'm continuing to pray that fruit will come from that endeavor. I have yet to hear from any coffee shops so perhaps I will drive out to them tomorrow.

A few stories from the day:

House A) One lady initially turned me down, which wasn't unusual. I'd been turned down quite often. I left and was walking to the next house, and all of a sudden I heard, "Miss, how much are the CD's?" I turned around and she was at the end of her driveway beckoning to me. She bought a CD and we both went on our (merry) ways. It really made me smile.

House B) This man was very nice and shook my hand when I met him. I explained that I was a college student, selling original music for mission trips. He made a point of saying he wasn't "a believer" but he likes when people do good things. He gave me $20 but said he really wasn't interested in the CD. I thought that was really interesting. I'll definitely be praying for him. People like that always fascinate me, because they clearly have an awareness of the void in their lives and are compelled towards the sort of behavior that God calls us to, but are sort of trapped by their unwillingness to accept God's offer or learn more about him. I was definitely in that place once. I would almost liken the situation to someone who is literally stuck to a wall (like with tape or glue or something) but isn't really motivated to get off the wall. It's kind of sad, but definitely motivates prayer!

House C) This man literally said to me, "I'm sorry, I can't buy one. I don't have any money. She (I'm assuming his wife) won't give me any. She's working until midnight." That interaction was really shocking. It's a somber reminder of the really poor states that some people are in. People who live literally in my own neighborhood are completely broke, financially. People are experiencing marital problems. People endure losses and hardship: death of family members, devastating illnesses, maybe they are working multiple jobs or just lost theirs; maybe they are being bullied at school, struggling with a mental illness, maybe these homes and families are like mine was when I was growing up, shadowed by darkness without anybody knowing or able to help. This world is so broken! 

It's situations like House C that make me motivated to do the door to door solicitation. In retrospect, I really regret not just giving a CD to that man. Maybe he would have listened to it, really been intrigued, related to my story and then experienced the gospel of Christ. Maybe it would have impacted his life in a positive way. Darn it. Next time, right? And I can always go back.

But that's the thing. This project isn't just about raising money. It's about sharing God's word through music, which is something he has given me a lot of excitement about. (The evangelism AND the music.) When I think about this man, I think about the song Alone on my CD which describes a longing for someone else to surrender their struggles. There's hurt and hardship in this life, and sometimes we're hardly floating, but there is a way out - we don't have to do it alone. I SO wish that every single person knew that truth!

It really all comes down to having faith. (I got one of those cool MudLOVE bracelets at my church that says 'faith.' Good reminder...) It's not up to me to change people's hearts, but it IS up to me to choose to have faith that God will. The best part of that truth is that God actually can. It's so great to trust in a God who can move mountains with his breathe and spin the earth from day to night with his words. Praise be.

Love,

Alexandra