Are you good at decision making? I'm sure not. I'm an over-analyzer, and I'm terrified of making the "wrong choice." The fear is paralyzing, and I just swing back and forth on a pendulum as my deadlines approach. Usually a decision is made after a brief bout of panic, and then I finally sign my name and the decision is made. I then can breathe again...at least until the next decision comes around.
I've been in a long and difficult period of waiting this year, wondering what God's plan is for my life, wondering if I'll get into certain graduate programs, wondering whether I even want to get into said graduate programs. As a horrible decision maker, I never really know what I actually want, which is why I sometimes over-spiritualize my decisions. On one hand I wonder if, since a door has opened, it means that the path is too easy, that God expects me to give more of myself, and to show I'm really committed by choosing the harder path. Alternatively, if a door is closed, I wonder if it maybe wasn't closed for good, and I should look for another way to go down that route. But, then again, maybe it was closed because God has something else in mind. I've blogged about these decisions before, which only goes to show how long this has been a struggle for me.
Today, after deliberating again (multiple times) with my sister and my bible, I decided to take a new approach: casting lots. [Try not to judge me yet! I can explain!]
In Joshua 18, God had already instructed Joshua to divvy up the land among the seven tribes. In 18:8, he tells the tribes, "Go and make a survey of the land and write a description of it, then return to me, and I will cast lots for you here at Shiloh in the presence of the Lord." The people obey and write up the descriptions, Joshua casts the lots, and the land is divided accordingly. My study bible mentioned that there are a number of ways these "lots" could have been cast. But ultimately, no matter the methodology, casting lots removed the human choice from the decision-making process and allowed God to make matches as He saw fit. In my human brain, that sounded like kind of a haphazard, illogical, statistically unsound way of making decisions. So, I tried it.
I wrote up seven different "options" that I'm considering for my future, many of which are out of my control. I folded up my papers, prayed, shook my hands, and threw the pieces into the air. I closed my eyes, grabbed at one, and held it in my palm. My heart was beating fast.
Was this going to be God's answer to my prayers? Is this His plan for my life? Is this legit?
I prayed again, hands trembling, before opening the paper. I was nervous and unsure as I read it. I took a breath. What was I doing? I folded up the paper, threw it back in the pile, mixed up the papers again and picked again. I got the same answer a second time.
Weird.
That's when I started thinking. Do I believe that God coordinated which answer I chose (twice)? I don't know. Maybe. Will God strike me down if I choose something else besides the lot I was cast? Probably not. What I do know is that casting lots is biblical, no matter how unscientific it seems. More importantly, the piece of paper I chose from the pile probably doesn't matter that much. Casting lots, I've realized, is less about the actual assignments and more about the fact that God is in control of it all. No matter what we choose - no matter what route we take - God has already determined it. He has already written our lives, and there's freedom in that. Casting lots isn't about the decision, it's about the trust. Trusting God with our lives, taking our human desires and "5-year-plans" out of the mix, submitting ourselves to His purposes: that's faith. Today, I cast lots. Like my sister says, "Just pick something." What I choose really isn't as important as whether or not I allow God to use it. We all have a lifelong ministry, and whether we are accepted to graduate school or not, whether we get our dream jobs or not, whether our life goes the way we thought or not, probably doesn't matter. His plan for us is good, and good things take time.God's plan is less about us and more about him. So, even if you don't cast lots, cast lets. Let God be in control of your life. It's like the proverbial saying, "Let go and let God."
I'm trying, folks. So pray for me, will you?
*If you're in a similar situation, shoot me a Facebook message or leave a comment. I'll pray for you, too.
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